Lost Letters
by SMS13
Summary: 45 years later, Carter gets a visit from the past. Short standalone, might as well just read it.


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Authors' notes: Random Fic Don't' ask me where it came from. Characters are not mine. You people should know that by now.

~*~

You know how your life can change after one decision? Like the whole course of the universe is set on a path after once since choice and it can never go back to the way it was? Forty-seven years down the road, I know the story. I have a few regrets, but a lot of joys. I have a gorgeous home in Galena; a huge house on a couple acres. I have some animals, the horses being my pride and joy. I moved away from the city after I retired. The choice was half mine. My wife of forty five years made the other quarter decision. Our kids decided the rest. I never thought we would try again, after the first, but we did. Four healthy and fully grown children later, we needed our rest. I lectured Beth and Ethan about becoming doctors, but of course they didn't listen to me. Beth being the oldest had to set the example. Ethan being the youngest had to follow. I'm proud of both of them. Beth works primarily with Doctors Without Borders, and I fear for her life every single day. But she's a fighter and a leader. She'll be fine. Ethan, on the other hand, settled comfortably in Boston, working as a brain surgeon. He works a few hours a day, gets paid a nice little pension. He's the vision of a rich bachelor: has a condo on the ocean, a black Mercedes in the garage, golf on the weekends, and a different woman in bed every night. I can't change him. He's the rebel of the group. At least the other three worked out well. James is a lawyer down in New York. That kid could talk his way off a crime scene with the blood knife in his hand. He's a loudmouth and always loved to argue. How strangely a defense attorney would be his chosen profession. I'm sitting on my porch now, the sun is setting, the weather is perfect. I see my daughter riding my favorite horse closer to me. He's been with me since we moved here, he's an old boy, but the most trusted. She loves riding him. She jumps off him and walks over to me. I hand her a cup of lemonade and she sits down on the bench next to me. Her brown hair is up a pony tail and her jeans give her a girlish edge. She's the one that finished business school and covers the foundation work. She's also take the unspoken, unnecessary responsibility of taking care of us. I wish she would go down to the city and find a husband, get married, have a family. She's going to wither away down here. But she refuses. 

"Where's mom?"

I shrug my shoulders. Ever since we moved down here, Kem's been at the country clubs or at local meetings. She's getting around a lot more than she did in Chicago. I think she likes the fresh air more than she liked the polluted one back in Chicago. 

"I'm driving down to Chicago tomorrow morning. You need anything?'

I shake my head no and she finishes off the glass and heads back onto Smokey. 

"Abby, be careful!"

She rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head. 

"Love you too, dad."

I watch her gallop towards the stables, she was good at anything she tired. A natural born perfectionist. It's been a long time since I've been alone, and a really long time since I've thought of my past. It used to be a big complicated mess before. It took me a couple years to realize what love really was. I love my children, and my wife. But I could have had something completely different, and it scares the hell out of me. I named my daughter after her. I wish I knew why I did it. It was a supr of the moment type deal, and it was the first name that came to my head. Kem never knew the history behind the person the name belonged to, neither did I ever tell her. Abby. She was something else. A black whole of never ending problems, an unstable foundation on more unstable ground. You never knew what was going to happen with her, but then sometimes you just didn't' want to know. She wasn't all that bad. She was actually the first person I truly loved. The only person I truly loved. I broke up with her in a letter, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to keep her holding on to some false hope that we would be okay, that we would work out. There was no fixing us, or so I thought. She became a better person within a few weeks. I'll never know if it was for her, or for me, or because of me. I never asked. After I came back, there was tension between us, I avoided her at all costs. I mean we could work together, there was no problem. She was a wonderful nurse, but a brilliant doctor. She had so much potential, and she saw it in herself. At that same time I had found Kem, she was everything I had been looking for, or so I believed. I didn't know what to do. Kem was stable and true, I could always count on her. Abby, Abby was Abby, she could crash and burn at any moment and I'd never know when it happened. I didn't' want to take chances. My life was slowly being planned out. Our first child died, a bad omen. But I didn't give up. I wouldn't. Kem and I had come so far, we weren't going to let this destroy us. I knew I was doing the right thing when I proposed. The right thing and the true thing aren't always identical though. I knew I would never be able to give this woman my entire heart and soul, Abby held bits and pieces, and she would never give them back. But somehow I managed to move on. I settled for Kem, settled for her love and her companionship. We were okay. We held on to each other in hope that times would get better, and they did. We worked good together. I'm too old for regrets now. I've lived my share of life, went through enough tragedies and happiness to know that I had a good life. Something always pulled me to find out how she turned out. I mean I told her I'd call once in a while after I switched hospitals so I could have more time with my family. I never did. She never called either. It was typical Abby. She was the one that wanted to cut off all contacts. I wish I knew though. I wonder if she ever got remarried, if she ever had kids, if she ever had a family. I'll probably never know. I don't think she would want me to. I brush her off my thoughts for the moment, I've learned how to control those emotions. The car pulls up and Kem comes out the back door, a smile on her face. My past and present don't seem so bad anymore. My future doesn't seem that bad either. 

~*~

The sun pierces the sky and I'm already outside, strolling along the grounds. I've become an early bird since moving here. There has been no point in sleeping in. I love the smell of fresh dew in the morning. The sound of the birds and the silence of the morning has become a favorite of mine. Kem likes to sleep in. We've grown our separate ways but that's what keeps us sane and together. I twist the ring around my finger. It's been there for forty five years. It scares me to think we'll be hitting fifty in only five years. It's a big accomplishment, especially in today's world of common divorces. My children haven't had any yet, so maybe they'll survive too. I walk back up to my front porch and sit down. The sun is starting to forecast another beautiful day. I might take one of the horses out for a ride today, since Abby's gone. I swing back and forth on the bench and dwell in the silence of the country. I hear a car pulling up and my eyes open. It's a black car, but I don't think I''ve seen it anywhere. It might be one of Abby's friends that stop by every so often to say hi. A man stands up from the car, and takes off his sunglasses. I doubt I've met him, but he seems familiar. I start to stand up and head over to him. He gives me a short smile and extends his hand. 

"Dr. Carter? I'm Brandon Shawl."

I give him a quizzical look and we stand in silence for a while. 

"You're probably wondering who I am what I'm doing here."

I start to nod my head.

"Yeah... Actually."

"Well, I'm sort of on a last-wishes run."

I give him another look. I don't know who this kid is, but he's driving me insane, even more than my own children have. 

"My mom died about a week and a half ago..."

I'm still wondering what this has to do with me, but I offer my condolences

"I'm sorry."

He shakes his head and I watch him fight back some tears. He reaches into his back pocket and he produces a few folded up, worn out pieces of paper. 

"One of the last things in her will was to deliver these to you. I don't know what they are, but they were really important to her."

I take the papers from his hand, wondering what this all about. I have no clue who this man is, I have no clue who his mother is. I have no clue what these papers are about. I offer him a drink or a seat, but be declines. He runs his hand through his dark brown hair and stands quite uncomfortable with me by his side. 

"I really have to get back home. I just wanted to drop those off. Thanks for your time."

I nod my head and shake the man's hand again. 

"Thank you for coming. I'm sorry for your loss."

I've said those words so many times they don't have any effect on me anymore. I never expected to spend over thirty years working. I wish I had spent them all at County, but I didn't. I watch him pull out of the driveway and down the dirt road. I head back up the stairs with the pile of papers in my hand. I make myself comfortable and take the first one from the pile. It's not that big really, only three letters. The way they were folded and refolded made it look like a bigger stack. I start to unfold the first one, but I'm met with a paper that is so thin and fragile. It's turning brown and the edge have long since been destroyed. The paper is stained with drops of something, it's practically falling apart in my hands. I look at the writing. It's my own. I open the letter up further, and look at the date, the person to whom I was writing. All the words seem to blurr together in my shaking hand. I'm almost gasping for air. I mean I understand revenge after death, but did she really have to go this far? All the words on the paper seem irrelevant right now, everything seems so asinine and pointless. We both knew we were through, why burn it into her with the letter. 

_We work better together unfettered. _

Just like throwing alcohol onto an injury. The burn and the bitter hurt I must have caused her. I learned a lot through the years, and I finally realized what these words must have done to her. How much she must have suffered. I fold it back together gently and open the second one. A pile of pictures falls into my hands. I skim through them, I can feel a smile forming on my face. The good days. The great memories. I push them back into the envelope. The past. 

I open the last letter, two pages of writing come falling out. These are in her own penmanship. I know for a fact, I've read her writing for a few years. I open the letter and begin to read. 

_Dear Carter, _

_It's been a long while. Too long of a time. I know I won't make it through the night. I'm dying and my life is suddenly flashing before my eyes. I only have one regret right now, and that is telling you the truth, that I love you. Our lives went into separate directions, too many complications thrown into our face. The time I spent with you was the best time of my life. I used to turn to it during my worst times. I'm sorry I never came to your wedding, nor ever talked to you. I wanted to move on, it was so hard. You can understand me now, when it's all over and through. I married, a few years after you left. It was almost ironical, I married a psychiatrist. I have two children, who have yet to develop the disease. I wish I hadn't been so scared. I can't believe I have so many doubts, but when the clock is slowly ticking away, it's all I have left. _

_I'm glad for you. I've heard along the lines that you are still happily married to Kem, with four beautiful children. I never expected less of you. You deserved someone who would make you happy, and I guess Kem was that woman. You would have never been completely happy with me. I would have loved you, but I would have never told you. It would have been a lost cause to be with me. I think we both knew that. I somehow got everything together though, I lived my life the way I had wanted to live it. Except you weren't by my side. I guess fate plays part in a lot of things... Sorry... I'm rambling. _

_My world is slowly dimming. I don't want to waste any more of your time._

_I don't want you to mourn for me. Don't think of me. _

_I also want to say thank you. You were one of the most amazing people I ever knew._

_Love, _

_Abby_

  
  



End file.
